Porno Doppelganger

The good thing about the mass amount of porn on the Internet is that, if you’re turned down by a girl in your class, or have a secret crush on your co-worker, you can always find a look-a-like porn star that will show you her boobs.

It’s better than doing a cut-and-paste MS Paint job. Trust me.

In Defense of an Agitator

New piece up over at Chicago Sports Review regarding A.J. Pierzynski and his important and necessary role as an agitating asshole. Enjoy.

Instant Psychoanalysis

I was using a one-person public bathroom, when all of a sudden the door opens and a man walks in. He took a look at my ass, yelled out “Way to lock it, buddy!” and slammed the door in frustration. I concluded he was a repressed homosexual who was worried that seeing a penis, or a well-shaped ass like my own, would push him over the edge into the lifestyle of short-shorts, bushy mustaches, well-plucked eyebrows, creating scenes in public places with their partners, and partaking in the forbidden pleasure of man-on-man buttsex*.

Odds are that he’s from the Midwest. Or the South.


*Strangest thing about this story: the word “buttsex” is not yet recognized by Microsoft Word’s spellchecker. You’d think Queer Eye would have changed this by now. Someone start an online petition.

Statistics Don't Lie

If you see a man over the age of 18 wearing his hat backwards, there’s a 85% chance he’s retarded. Or has a penis girth of negative inches. I'm not making this up. Tests have been performed.

EDIT: Apparently, men that wear their hats backwards also get detained on their way back from the Dominican Republic with some illegal Viagra.

Worst Case Scenario

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend Terese sent me the scariest email I've gotten since someone sent me the rap sheet of Brian Peppers.

The email contained two astrological charts, one from herself and one from Ms. Ann Coulter:




She pointed to the similarity between the shape and distribution of the charts. (See how they both point towards the upper right like an arrow?) Now, I'm not too into the whole horoscope/astrology thing, but there are some creepy similarities between the two besides this starry convergence.

Both Ann Coulter and Terese: (a) have blond hair; (b) have the letter 'u' as the 3rd letter in their last name; and (c) listen to conservative radio shows (although Terese says she listens to it for its "comical" value).

While I mull this all over, see if you can distinguish the difference between quotes by Ann Coulter and Hitler.

StappShot of the Day

Nothing makes me happier than the slow demise of Scott Stapp.

Blind them with pretentiousness

If anyone ever asks you if you liked Thomas Dolby, tell them you were into his old stuff. Before he sold out.

Indie 'Zines are fun!

Ahoy, people of various ethnicities and sperm-ownership,

It is time, once again, to reveal the volumptuous fruits of our intense, 12-hours-a-day sweatshop-esque labor. Ladies and gents: Duct Tape & Rouge, Issue Two.

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, DT&R is an independently-created, poorly-produced magazine filled with filthy words, sporadic pictures, original artwork, and varying reviews on places and things important to your life, with a touch of comedy to boot! Oh, the wacky hijinks that ensue!!!

This second time around there's a few ways to get your hands -- and, more importantly, your eyes -- on a copy.

First, there's a printed-out version, available for anyone who (a) wants us to print out a copy and send it to them or (b) wants to download the PDF file from the website listed below and print out their own. This is the preferred option, as you'll be able to read the contents in your bathroom, an appropriate place to say the least.

The second option is to head over to the aforementioned website at: www.ducttapeandrouge02.blogspot.com.

There you will find the entire contents of this issue, a link to the now-shallow archives, and an email address to send any comments, critiques, or articles you'd like to submit for the next issue. And when we say "feel free to comment", we really mean it. This is a work-in-progress and would like any and all feedback possible.

Feel free to pass this along to everyone and anyone you want. Consider us a literary gangbang: the more, the merrier.

I like to kill deer

One of the strangest sentences you'll ever read: David Lynch has ringtones you can download.

I got a bone to pick.

What does an angry man with genital crabs say?

The Mega-Orgy

Since the dawn of porn, directors and actors have tried to top their predecessors by performing more and more outrageous stunts with more and more of their orifices involved. Missionary begat Doggystyle. Doggystyle begat Threesome. Threesome begat Anal. Anal begat Double Penetration. Double Penetration begat Double-Anal. Double-Anal begat Double-Anal-Double-Vagina. And really, save the use of a horse or one of those record breaking 500-men-on-1-woman gangbands, there was really nowhere else to go.

Except the massive orgy.

And now, in this continuing game of oneupmanship, it seems that Japan has taken the lead with the first 500-person mega-orgy!

250 girls and 250 guys go at it together in a large warehouse. Every sexual action is in sync, so be prepared to fall off your chair from this crazy feature.

See, Asians really are better at math.

For more, not entirely safe for work, information, head over here.

Scientologists scare the hell out of me.

First, from Defamer, comes the story of Jenna Elfman verbally attacking a man in an anti-Scientology T-shirt (pictured above):

According to Roecker, who first recounted the incident on LA's KROQ-FM's Kevin and Bean Show, the invective started to fly after he made several references to Scientology theology and its reported central tenant, the story of Xenu. Roecker says Jenna repeatedly said "What crimes have you committed?" and began screaming at Roecker, "Have you raped a baby?" as motorists on Los Feliz Boulevard drove by in snarled traffic.

And it really didn't make any sense to me why Elfman would get into accusing him of raping babies. Until I saw this video demonstrating the defense/attack method Scientologists are programmed to use when confronting those opposed to their religion.

This certainly can't help the Xenuphiles' overcome the stereotype that Scientologists are fucking crazy.

Scotchy, scotch, scotch

Has there ever been a better-named character than Ron Burgundy? Take a moment to look at that name again.

With "Ron", right away you picture a white man with a partial-fro and mustache. And "Burgundy", for some reason or another, denotes a cocksman of impeccable taste.

Ron.
Burgundy.

Now that's poetry. Go fuck yourself, Lord Byron.

More D&D Baseball Fun!

Latest article up over at McSweeney's.

Mr. Tyson has the floor

"At least, outside of jail."

(It's a shame the game-makers made it so tough to beat the game. Or else, when the kids would brag during class about their amazing "finger speed", leading to unwarranted detentions given for the subtle sex jokes, with the vicious cycle concluding in the eventual parent-teacher conference, where everyone involved would realize the vast miscommunication, their giggles of awareness devolving into an awkward orgy that could only hurt the kids reputation, making any previously-stated brags about "finger speed" null and void, giving those little fucking trash-talkers just what they deserved.)

Bob Saget is the Antichrist

Evidence:

His given first name (Robert) has 6 letters.
If you add a letter (say, an 'X') to his last name, then it contains 6 letters.
Presumably, his middle name has 6 letters.

Look out, God. The Antichrist might look like a mild-mannered widower and father of three. But deep down inside he's a late-night joke-spinner, with an excessive amount of inappropriate abortion-based humorisms in tow.



(courtesy of the Defamer)

Coulter v. Lauer

Somewhere, deep down inside, I think Lauer's rage is a device for shielding his giant depression from Katie Couric's departure.

(And yes. I'd still have sex with her.)

(If she brought her own ball-gag. BYOB.)

An urgent warning

I got my brand new computer with 120 GBs of memory today. To compare, the computer I've had for the past 6 years has 1.8 GBs of memory. That's over 60 times the storage space that I'm used to having.

Time to upgrade your servers, Mr. Internet Porn.

The downside of technology

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Boner-Inducing News!

If you're a fan of horror movies, then you have to be forming an enormous erection from the following news:

Rob Zombie is resurrecting Michael Myers, one of the big screen's favorite horror villains. Zombie will write and direct a new "Halloween" movie, serving up what is being called as a brand-new vision for the long-running horror series.

While there's been extreme mixed opinions on Zombie's two movies -- House of 1000 Corpses was pretty universally panned while The Devil's Rejects was praised -- I'm a fan of both.

Corpses has no plot or story to speak of, which is why most people (understandably) hate it. But it does include some of the greatest horror visuals in recent memory. And because of the throw-everything-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks approach (even though everything does stick), it's a near-perfect representation of a Halloween-time haunted house. It's not a fantastic movie on the whole, but it showed Zombie was able to take an almost-remake of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and make it something original and exciting.

Rejects works in the exact opposite way. Sure, there's a visual style to it all (the dust-blown, bloody carnage of Peckinpah's 70s westerns), but it's not as pronounced as in Corpses. Zombie compensates that by putting an actual story and plot in this second time around. As such, his next movie was going to be highly-anticipated by me no matter what.

But now, with news that he's going to be tackling a story concerning my favorite horror film of all time ... well, it might go straight to the top of my List of Anticipatory Erections.

Second place, at least.

(Some more opinions and always-highly-thoughtful comments from soulless Internet folk is available at the Ain't It Cool article and it's corresponding Talkback section.)

-----

(an update straight from the horse's mouth, via his MySpace Page:

Okay here's the real deal for those of you who are confused. As I said yesterday - I am not making Halloween 9. That series is done, complete, over.

But what I am doing is starting totally from from scratch. This the new HALLOWEEN. Call it a remake, an update, a reimaging or whatever, but one thing that for sure is this is a whole new start... a new begining with no connection to the other series. That is exactly why the project appeals to me. I can take it and run with it.

I talked to John Carpenter about this the other day and he said, "Go for it, Rob. Make it your own". And that's exactly what I intend to do.

The Carpenter endorsement not-withstanding (he'd put his okay on my post-burrito excrement if he could get two bucks for it), I do find Zombie's entry even more promising. First: it confirms that it's not just a "rumor" and actually Zombie plans on fulfilling. And second: he's treating it as a reboot instead of a sequel, kind of like "Batman Begins" started the franchise anew.

Now, my only question now is whether or not Dr. Sam Loomis will make an appearance.)

Google Phrase Hit of the Unspecified Time Frame

Mental Flatulence is currently the third hit for the phrase "margot kidder masturbating" when searched on Google. I will now be putting The Reincarnation of Peter Proud at the top of my NetFlix queue.

Thanks, Random Internet Pervert! You lead the way and I'll follow.

What's going on over at YouTube?

Went to check out a video tonight, and this was on their front page:

Tim Burton's Debut

Titled "Vincent", this short animated film from 1982 tells the story of a young suburban boy who wants to be Vincent Price. It not only showcases the unique visual flares and story style that Burton will later ne known for, but also gives the real Vincent Price an opporunity to do what he does best: deliver some Poe-etic rhyming couplets in his trademark creepy voice.



(a tip of the hat to The Morning News for the find.)

Arbitrary Review - Black Christmas

Nine years before Bob Clark brought us Ralphie, a drunken Santa Claus, a Red Ryder BB gun, and a warning to any kids thinking about licking ice off a metal pole, he made a very different kind of Christmas story.

The story of Black Christmas is simple enough. In fact, I'll let NetFlix sum it all up:

This 98-minute film is a stark and stylish horror/thriller that turns everyone's favorite time of the year inside out. Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder star among
an ill-fated houseful of sorority sisters celebrating the holiday season. Festivities turn fatal when obscene phone calls break the serenity and it becomes clear that a psychopath is stalking the house.

Let's see here. Psychopathic killer? Check. Creepy phone calls? Check. A swift 98 minutes? Check. Sorority house chock-full of hot ladies? Check and double-check!

On the surface it looks like a pretty standard slasher flick. But it might be the most important horror movie of all time.

Released in 1974, Black Christmas is one of, if not the, first slasher movie, predating many important (and many more completely shitty) horror movies by years. Its influence is so all-encompassing and definitive that, if you took a shot of tequilla whenever you correctly identified a later movie that ripped it off, you'd be drunk, herpe-laden, and possibly pregnant in twenty minutes.

You know how Friday the 13th was just a cheap knock-off of Halloween, going so far as mimicking that famous 1st-person point of view from the killer? Well, John Carpenter didn't invent that after all.

You know the climax of When A Stranger Calls, where the babysitter finds out that the creepy caller is, surprisingly enough, calling from inside the house? Logistics of placing such a call aside, that's a blatant rip-off of the main plot device in Black Christmas.

And you know how practically every slasher film from the 80s takes place in a sorority house? Or, at least, at some kind of hot lady sleepover? Well, this was the first.

And the thing is, even if you take out the novelty of finding the source material for horror movie cliches, the film itself isn't half bad.

While there are only one or two really big jump moments in the movie, it's atmosphere is pretty fantastic. And sure, the death scenes aren't particular frightening or shocking, but they are admirable for their inventiveness and quasi-artsy editing. The phone calls, easily the creepiest part, still hold up well, most likely because they feature the word "cunt". And while the shock ending isn't so shocking today (your guard starts to go up after seeing the first hundred or so similar false-endings), it's still noteworthy as a technical accomplishment.

But even more important than the above-mentioned historical importance, is the presence of Margot Kidder and Olivia Hussey. While neither gets nude -- unfortunately, that horror cliche started somewhere down the line -- they are both incredibly hot. You could even make the argument that the Young Women Stalked By A Psycho cliche was the direct result of the sorority girls in Black Christmas.

Without them, we might have never heard the screams of Jamie Lee Curtis, watched Neve Campbell turn the genre on its head by actually defeating the killer(s), or saw the boobs of countless other actresses not skillful enough to land roles in legitimate films and too proud to hitch a ride down the great Porno Highway.

And that in itself deserves, nay, demands our collective awe and respect.