I Apologize In Advance

I know that tales of your Fantasy Football team are about as interesting to other people as stories of what you dreamed about last night, but this one from last week, I have to share.

This past weekend was the first round of our playoffs. Embarassingly, since my team (The Gem Saloon Cocksuckers) had a horrible season, I was in the Loser's Bracket.

I was facing the horrendously-named Nobody Beats the Wiz. After his quarterback Drew Brees had an incredible game Sunday night (nearly losing his mole in the process) the Cocksuckers were facing an uphill battle. Down 148-94, most of their fans had packed it in, leaving the stands a little early to catch an "According to Jim" rerun. But the team was relentless. Monday night, the Cocksuckers had two players left: Thomas Jones and Marc Bulger.

Jones did his work in the first half, having much of his solid 76-yard, 1-TD effect. He finished with a total of 16 points before Lovie Smith (the Bears coach in real football) inexplicitly took him out of the game to give backup Cedric Benson a majority of the touches. Hell, he even decided to get 3rd-stringer Adrian Peterson a TD. In the end, Jones needed only 4 more yards (an average carry) to break the 80-yard threshold and give him an extra point. This factors in later.

Bulger meanwhile, had a horrible first half and third quarter, giving the Bears a comfortable lead in the real game. It was a blessing in disguise for the Cocksuckers though, since the Rams could do nothing but throw the ball in order to try and get back into the game. As such, Bulger led the Rams down the field for a mostly meaningless TD. Meaningless for the real game because the Bears had a comfortable lead. Meaning for the fake game because, while the Cocksuckers were getting close, Bulger was about to take a seat on the bench for awhile as the Bears were getting the ball back and would be happy with running out as much clock as possible.

Enter Devin Hester.

With him returning the kick for a touchdown (his 2nd return TD of the game and 6th of the season, setting a new record) the Rams went right back out on offense. Bulger headed down the field, eventually getting another TD pass.

His stat totals were up to 298 yards, 2 yards away from the 2-point-bonus threshold, and with 29 completions, one away from another bonus. Thanks to Bulger, the Cocksuckers had closed the gap to 148-144. But time was dwindling and the Bears were about to get the ball.

The Rams held the Bears to a 3-and-out on a few running plays to Cedric Benson, not Thomas Jones. (If Jones had been the one in the backfield, he would have gotten the necessary 4 yards to give him another point.) The Bears punted. The Rams got the ball back with a few minutes to go.

A completion later, Bulger got all of his bonuses. The score was 148-148.

Since NBBTW had the tiebreaker - 4 points to 3 - the Cocksuckers still needed one more point to claim a victory. Ruling out another long touchdown, the point would have to come from 5 more completions by Bulger or another 25 yards.

2 completions later on a 3rd-and-20: Bulger tosses one down the sideline to Torry Holt, who makes a tremendous one-handed catch.

149-148, Cocksuckers.

Another completion for another few yards pushed Bulger to over 350 yards on the night, giving the team another point.

150-148, Cocksuckers.

One more point and it would all over, since the most negative a QB can get on a play (say, a fumble or an interception) is negative 2. If the Cocksuckers got to 151, there would be no way for the team to lose 3 points.

The next play Bulger steps back, and is sacked! Fumble on the play! The Bears recover! Minus 2 points for Bulger. 148-148, with NBBTW getting the tiebreaker. Game over.

But wait! There's a flag on the play! Offsides on the Bears, ball goes back to the Rams. No fumble on the play. The score's still 150-148, Cocksuckers.

One more completion gives Bulger 34 on the day. Since the team gets a point for every 5 completions, one more would have given the team that all-important 3-point advantage.

Time is running out. Bulger, deciding what the hell?, goes for all the marbles and lobs a pass up to his best receiver Torry Holt. A horriblly underthrown pass is picked off by Charles Tillman.

Minus 2 points.

Bears ball. Bulger heads to the sidelines. Bears QB Rex Grossman takes a knee.

Final score: 148-148, NBBTW with the tiebreaker.

Game. Set. Match.

Is this as good as any game that's ever been played in any fantasy league? Maybe. The pros are everything that's happened above. The cons are the fact that it took place in the first round of the Loser's Bracket. But that's a discussion for another time, years down the road, when scholars are studying the breakdown of this. History will be the judge.

More imporantly, where does this rank on the Dork Scale? Well, it's tough to say. Definitely above "Dungeons & Dragons Addict" but below "X-Play fan".

You decide.