The Gospel According to Ozzie, Part 1

There's no doubt that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has become one of the most quotable sports personalities today. Every interview he gives is comedy Yogi Berra-esque gold. If you can decipher it after the newspaper takes out all the expletives, that is.

In this installment, Ozzie comments on the allegations allegedly made by a Cubs pitcher (Ryan Dempster) following the great White Sox-Cubs brawl from Saturday. (If that sentence made no sense, read the entire article). The pitcher allegedly said that his third-base coach, Joey Cora, in the midst of the heated exchange, pulled a Mike Tyson and bite Cubs outfielder Jacque Jones. In the foot.

"Somebody told me [Dempster] said Joey Cora bit Jacque Jones on the foot," Guillen said. "Wow, when you're in the ballgame, you have shoes on. If Joey Cora is going to bite somebody, I hope he's not dumb enough to try and get his feet."If you're going to bite him, bite him in his cheek, in the ribs or someplace else, in the stomach. But if you pick the foot, that's the wrong place to bite somebody."

In the same interview, Dempster also apparently made reference to Guillen's children running out on the field and taking part in the fight. Guillen's response:

"Well, if my kids were on the field, [Dempster] was going to get his butt kicked. What's Ozzie [Jr.] going to do? Eat somebody? My other one is 20 pounds and the other one is only 14 [years old]. Ryan is stupid to make those comments. One is a baby, one is too little, another one [Ozzie Jr.], the only thing he can do is eat somebody or drink somebody."

The question isn't whether or not he'll get a talk show after he's done coaching, the question is what language they'll choose to subtitle to account for his Spanglish-speaking ways.

(Update to the two of you who care: Evidently, the pitcher did make those statements.)