Everyone has AIDS!

Last night, while backing into a parking spot outside of UCB Theater, a middle-aged black man approached my open window.

"Hold on, buddy. You got to help me out."

My Catholic-forced instincts of helping others (or God will destroy you!) took over. I asked him what the problem was, and he responded that he had AIDS.

"But don't worry, you won't catch it."

Despite his reassurance, I pulled my hand back when he reached into the car to show me the piece of paper he was holding. He went into a story about how he was $20 short for his AIDS medication (the slip in his hand showed the $38.18 total) and his friend wasn't home to help him.

Apparently to him I was unconvinced, because at that point he turned around to show me the back of his jeans while proclaiming "I'm bleedin' from my ass!"

I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me park my car." I finishing backing into my spot, got out of my car, and told him I didn't have any cash on me. He shook his head and moved onto another unsuspecting couple walking down the block.

I headed into the theater, where I heard a comedian suggest that The Golden Girls was a parable about gay men in the 80s, because it was essentially old queens in drag hoping to find sex without catching the disease. In the show's case, the "disease" was death. The joke/thesis reminded me of my gay AIDS-man friend outside.

(With his bleeding ass, lispy voice, and AIDS, I went ahead and made an assumption.)

I spent the rest of the comedian's set deep in thought, hoping that the man's anus was no longer bleeding, that he had found much-needed help and, most importantly, that I didn't catch AIDS.

Later on, when I heard the line "We have girls so hot they'll make you jizz all over your cum!" I forgot about him entirely.