The Death of the Water Cooler Chat

TiVo is slowly destroying society. With everyone getting to choose when and where they watch certain programs, one of the most enjoyable parts of life is dying: water cooler chat.

No longer can you ask your co-workers about the question mark business in "Lost", if they thought it was really necessary for Phil to stick a pool cue up Vito's ass in "The Sopranos", or if they thought that it was smart for the white trash couple to choose Air Force Amy over Isabella Soprano for their threesome on "Cathouse: The Series".

Instead, now you have to qualify everything by asking "Did you see (blank) last night?"

The most common answer you'll confront is "I TiVo'd it." And that's the end of the conversation. Not only did they not watch the show (putting an end to any specific discussion or exchange of ideas), but you also can't explain the show to them because they plan on watching it later. Well, at least there's always this delicious water to talk about.

And even if they didn't TiVo it, and are ready to discuss it with you, odds are that someone within earshot will make it known that they taped it with plans to watch it at their own convenience. "Don't ruin it for me," they'll say. "No spoilers."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I say we begin to ruin it. Even though this is technically a new invention, I'm sick and tired of this already. Instead of biting our tongues, I say that we spoil.

Michael shot Ana Lucia and that other chick.

Uncle Junior shot Tony.

Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

(For some reason, every huge event in television always involves a shooting.)

It's their duty to watch these programs when they air. When they choose not to, they're just being lazy. You didn't hear people make excuses about why they couldn't see last night's M*A*S*H, Seinfeld or St. Elsewhere. It's called "appointment television" for a reason. Would you miss an appointment with your doctor because, say, your kid had to get stitches? No! And television should work the same way.

So please, when a co-worker tells you that he or she taped the program last night with the intent to watch it later on, go ahead and give them a not-so-subtle clue as to what they're about to see. Go ahead and give them the last 5 minutes or so. They can fill in the rest.

The time for spoiling is upon us. Let's not condone laziness. Or the Chinese will surpass us even quicker than we thought.